A SCATOLOGICAL GUIDE TO WORLD RELIGIONS:
1. Taoism: Scat is, live with it, embrace it.
2. Buddhism: If scat happens, it's not really scat.
3. Islam: If scat happens, it's the will of Allah.
4. Protestantism: Scat happened because you didn't work hard enough.
5. Judaism: Why does this scat always happen to us?
6. Hinduism: This scat happened before ... and will happen again.
7. Catholicism: Scat happens because you are bad.
8. Hare Krishna: Scat happens, rama, rama - wan'na buy incense stick?
9. Atheism: No scat.
10. Jehovah's witness: Knock-Knock. We're here to save your scat.
11. Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good dump.
12. Christian Science: Scat's natural, leave it alone.
13. Agnosticism: Maybe scat happens, maybe it doesn't.
14. Existentialism: Good or bad, you'll never know for sure; but you are responsible
for your own scat, so clean it up. Footnote: those who wipe their own ass are
much more likely to have some life-long friendships.
15. Stoicism: Scat doesn't bother me.
16. Ásatrú: Scat happens, get over it.
17. Wiccan: Scat happens. Stop blaming us, not our fault. Remember the burning
times.
18. Satanism: Glory Be to the Scat Happening. Chaos Rules.
19. Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this scat.
20. Zorasterism: Good Scat vs. Bad Scat — the eternal struggle.
21. Fundamentalism: There is ONLY one True Pile.
22. Evangelical: Belief in Holy Scat, as written, will save your ass.
23. Presbyterian: When the scat hits the fan, dispersal has a predestined distribution.
24. Mormon: Many wives can wield many shovels.
25. Methodist: No matter how bad your scat smells, you are loved.
26. Unitarian: Are neither in favor of nor against scat. However, if in your
journey you have found that scat works for you, that is fine. You are invited
to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with
your scat, and present it next month at our annual Sunday Service, in which
we will explore a number of scat traditions, including Dropping, Stepping-in,
Shoveling, Throwing, Fan Hitting, Piles, Happening, et cetera, all of which
are equally valid paths to dealing with scat.